Ten Great Moments in Youth Pastoring

EDIT: Please also visit a more serious look at my time as a youth pastor: Ten Even Better Moments in Youth Pastoring.

I had an interesting 8 year run as a youth pastor. Many of the kids that came were from homes that could be described as difficult. Even for adolescent standards, they didn’t always act the way you wanted them to act. It was infuriating, tiring, and often defeating. But I loved them and mostly wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m sure anyone who works with youth for a living have tons of funny stories to tell. These are some of mine.

1.      Watching a car full of girls pop the emergency brake off their mini-van only to have it roll across the alley and crash into the adjacent building.

A thank you card and a Blizzard is a much better way to say thank you to your matronly chauffeur than a dented bumper and brickwork.

2.      Having not one, but two kids run away while under your watch.

You know that moment when you’re with a bunch of high schoolers and you realize you’re missing one? And then because no one has cell phones you’re driving all over town trying to find him? And then you see him sprinting down the sidewalk of a busy street a mile and a half from the Dairy Queen you were visiting because he wanted to go home and couldn’t wait for his sister to finish her Blizzard? Yeah, I’ve been there too.

Or how about when that Middle Schooler, who was going to be dropped off next, is tired of waiting in the car so he gets out of the car and starts running down the middle of street so you get to chase him and get him back into the car so you can drive him home? Yeah, me too!

On the plus side, this kid is the same kid who said he would eat his arm if it was made of shrimp. So there’s that.

3.      Realizing a kid pooped in a bag and brought it as a White Elephant gift.

You know who’s not subtle? Kids that would poop in a brown paper bag and try to give it as a gift.

4.      Watching kids watching Super Size Me just to see person get fat.

Remember that guy who lived off fast food for a month to see what would happen to his body and then documented it and turned into a movie? I chaperoned a middle school slumber party where they rented it. (Weird right? Of all the choices, they picked that?) Watching it consisted of them fast forwarding it and stopping periodically to see how fat he’d gotten. They were extremely disappointed to reach the end of the film and he wasn’t morbidly obese. True story.

5.      Advising the first ever Dungeon and Dragons club at a local high school.

Youth pastor gurus tell other youth pastors to get involved with the schools. Usually that means coaching. Because sports are cool. Get the cool kids and you’ll get the non-cool kids. Your ministry will grow. And God will love you more. (By the way, youth pastor gurus often aren’t gurus. They just happen to work at a bigger church than you. Because it is bigger, it is necessarily better and they know better than everyone else. It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that they might be gliding off natural charisma.)

I went the complete opposite route. I’d like to believe I’m the first and only youth pastor ever to serve as an advisor for the Dungeons and Dragons club.

And no. I had never played before. And no. I don’t play now. And yes, D&D is in fact awesome. If more kids had the creativity and the ability to imagine different worlds, I’d feel incredibly optimistic about the future of this country.

6.      Camping at a hobo camp.

Under the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. 30 yards from the train tracks. Looking back, I’m not sure why I got hired for that job. Thankfully, the question “What would you do if a couple of kids wanted to camp at a hobo camp by the train tracks?” never came up at my interview.

Oh, and you know what makes camping at a hobo camp even better? When it starts pouring rain at 2 AM and you’re “sleeping” on a rock.

7.      Debating a couple of girls whether the song “My Humps” was good or bad for women.

Right. Because nothing says take me seriously as a person quite like writing an ode to “my lovely lady lumps.”

8.      spending $48 on two blizzards

Technically this doesn’t have much to do with youth pastoring. And it was totally my fault. But we did go to Dairy Queen after youth group every week. Often I’d buy one for me and when I was leaving I’d buy one for Lindsay. It never crossed my mind to buy them both at the same time and picked hers up when I was leaving.

They cost $2 each. Unless, of course, you don’t have enough money in your checking account. In that case, the bank does you the kind service of covering the cost for you for a small $22 convenience fee. 2 blizzards at $2 each + 2 “convenience” fees at $22 each = $48.

It’s a good thing youth pastors make a lot of money. Otherwise paying $48 for two Blizzards would have been lame.

9.      Having a student tell you he’s “addicted to porn” on your very public family answering machine.

There is nothing funny about pornography. What is funny is calling your youth pastor and dropping this news in the most public way possible. Of course, who has answering machines anymore? New rule: don’t tell your pastor you’re addicted to porn by writing it on a Facebook wall. It’s embarrassing for everyone.

10.  Decorating Christmas Bags to be handed out to members of Seattle’s homeless population with holiday greetings like “Let it Snow.”

Nothing says “I love you” to a person living on the street quite like “I hope the temperature drops below freezing and dumps snow all over you.”